Right now, in photos

 The Dream Team. It's a slightly-conceited name, but word on the streets is when Steve was stepping into his supervisor role as Natalie, Harrison, and I all started our intern year with InterVarsity, he said something along the lines that this was the dream team of interns he would enjoy leading.

Somehow, that name has stuck, as has our friendship. None of us could have imagined that we would be together at National Staff Conference in 2014, dreaming big about how God could transform our students to become world changers. We started together as undergrad but have since spread to different campuses, and it's not likely we'll end up in the same city together anytime soon. Still, we dream together, process together, love together.

I went over to Harrison's yesterday for company as we both did work. I called Natalie for dreams for APA, for personal struggles, for friendship.
Friendship is a gift.

We've been having these discussions with my mom about what's teochew and what's not (I'm realizing hoe I've failed to keep all the Chinese foods/cultures/dialects apart...), and in a mildly eye-opening conversation, it turns out my favorite noodle dish ever is distinctly teochew after all. Tell me, how did I go all 25 years of my life thinking it was "just Chinese", as opposed to a specialty from my mom's regional culture?

I made it again this week and it was delicious: the beansprouts, the garlic, fish tofu, fishballs (the bokchoy isn't typical in our family, but I decided I should have some greens)...

I first learned about shin&shin at Asian American Staff Conference when Shin Maeng was invited to be the artist in residence. I spent part of an afternoon with him as he chatted up a storm and explained the intricacies of the drawing, drawing out meaning in every little icon and space. I stared at the prints, wondering if I should by an art piece in a year where budget was so tight. I didn't.

But graciously, all the staff were gifted a print from this lovely duo at the end of staff conference. When they announced it, I knew this deserved a good frame. So last night, I bought the nicest frame I've ever paid for. One might think that as a photographer I would have better frames, but I've always leaned towards cheap ones, received nice ones as gifts, or given my best away to others. But real art deserves good presentation. I walked the aisles of the store multiple times, picking up one, putting it down in favor of another, repeating until I settled on one. And when I got home and got the print in the frame, it was perfect. I found myself drawn to it several times since: the bright mat and dark wood highlighting the colors and giving space for the details. I realize that there's a way my eye appreciates this presentation and wish everyone could see it too. I can't stop staring at it.

I'm incredibly grateful to Shin and Sarah for listening to the spirit and creating such prophetic pieces (and I love that they're Asian-Americans). And I'm grateful that someone in IV nationals chose such a beautiful, meaningful gift for the staff to receive. I receive it with joy and gladness.

On Prayer

Pray Big and Pray Bold: Sunder Krishnan from Urbana on Vimeo.

Natalie and I were talking about prayer a few weeks ago, and it dawned on me that this talk from Urbana 09 was a big turning point in my prayer life. This talk was such a reality check about our approach to prayer, but woven into it were practical bits as well. After this talk, I decided to cut crap out of my prayer, to stop filling my prayers with words I churned out from routine. Through Sunder's example of jobless John, I realized the empty regurgitation of most of my prayers. This part is tricky to write about because there is nothing inherently wrong about the, "Thank you for bringing us here", "Thank you for freedom to gather because we know not everyone in the world can", etc. But for me, I realized I felt obligated to pray these things...and I didn't want that to be the case. So instead, I started opening my prayers with the sovereign character of our God. To this day, my prayers are still marked as such: in times of suffering, I call on a God who suffered alongside with us; in times of sickness and pain, I call out to the ultimate Healer. In times of confusion I remember he is a God that gives peace. I take a few sentences to remember who God is and what scripture says of Him. This sets up my prayer, and the request that follows sits under His character and His sovereignty.

I think this talk challenged my priority on prayer and my belief that it works, that we are invited to create with God and engage with the world through prayer. When we were still at Urbana, there was an afternoon where Natalie and I sprawled on the floor in the prayer room and talked about Large Group, ministry, and life. I challenged out loud - If we really think prayer is fundamental to our ministry, how do we orient our times/lives/meetings to reflect that? I recall that being the discussion that we would move our prayer/devotion time to start our meetings (we called it "First thing") instead of haphazardly throwing it in our closing. In hindsight, what fun and how powerful it was to make that change as a student leader (in many ways, Steve's sabbatical that semester really was a gift).

It's hard to remember the other changes I made four years ago. But if I think hard, I also remember challenging myself and Natalie to find scripture that paralleled our prayers. I don't remember the situation, but I remember asking, "Well, where can we find that in scripture?" We flipped through the New Testament to glean from whatever was prayed back then. I think that was the year I first loved Psalm 24, my favorite psalm to pray before large group because of how it rightfully puts the King of Glory in his place, prays for our clean hands and pure hearts, and then calls for the gates to be lifted up.

As I've rewatched it a few times over the years, there is much more to learn from it. For one, my prayers and motivations are not exactly done in light of God as Sovereign, Creator, Revealer, and Worker, as Sunder highlights as the four corners which set up the character of the God we pray to. I must also remember that prayer changes us - that if every time we pray we remember the character of God, then over the years, we are bound to be transformed. This is the prayer life I want to have - one that engages reality, one that worships our God, one that changes my life.

2013: Great moments - This is a long post.

Urbana 12 (January): This is totally cheating because it happened at the tail end of 2012, but hey, it technically kicked off January 1, 2013! Incredibly fun to work backstage and see so many pieces moving behind the scenes, as well as meet and interact with many different people in different roles. Other highlights: Kolkata GUT reunion, dropping by the Pan-American lounge to listen to James and Tracey talk about writing and publishing (remember, I had just finished my 30-days of writing), watching the bff dance, and these skits. Remembering: falling in love with the story of the prodigal in Luke 15: "Do you still have lunch with dad every day?"

Asian-American Staff Conference (February): In the middle of my first year working with very few Asian-American students and no Asian-American staff, it was a breath of relief to unwind some of my subconscious and internalized tension as a minority. It was also rather humbling to have what seems like "higher-up" staff just sitting around at the table with you during small group time, participating just like every other staff in the room.  Remembering: the call to bring everything we are and have to offer instead of keeping ourselves at the kid table.

Making friends at church (March): After a few months of going to CG on-and-off, trying to catch a glimpse of the 2 or 3 people whose names I knew (or just D's relatives...), my staff friend Peggy connected me with her old childhood friend who also attended my church. We met up one Sunday after church and she quickly introduced me to half of the career adult group, including Amy. Amy in turn introduced me to everyone else and also invited me to lunch. I remember having the half-awkward thought of, "maybe I shouldn't say 'yes' to this invite since I don't know me" contrasted with the desperate thought of, "who cares, what if this is an opportunity?" Needless to say that one lunch at IHOP was where I met a fair amount of the CAT group I continue to talk now (even though I had to ask for everyone's name frequently in the upcoming month). Come to think of it, I think I even shared chicken and waffles with Rosanne that day. And even though I am still figuring out community here and don't always feel like I fit in, that Sunday was definitely a turning point in friendships and relationships. Remembering: That Sunday reminded me of God's provision and promise even as I followed him to a new city.

Playing Ultimate (year-round, but especially April): I have never played Ultimate so regularly. I've significantly improved since I moved to Sacramento. But perhaps the league that changed a lot was when I said "what the heck, what do I lose by inviting myself?" (come to think of it, I said that a lot in 2013........) when one of the girls posted in a facebook group that their team needed a few more players. I signed up with the Midtown team and learned their names and they learned mine, and even more, and I made it a point to go with them to the sports bar after to get to know them (and also watch the tail end of Giants' games). Even though I had played with a fair amount of Sac peeps through hat leagues and tourneys, tagging onto this team meant friends I played with a little more regularly and a team to sign up with for non-hat tournaments. Remembering: Choosing to go to a sports bar with your friends may be more important than being "productive" that night. 

Mini-highlight (May): Finishing my second half-marathon at 2:07:54! That was fun.

Totally enjoying large group talks (starting in May): First, I loved the topic of my May talk and had much experience and many thoughts with our identity as an employee. Second, I wove in a little engineering nerdiness. Third, as I was preparing, I remembered listening to James Chuong speak at AAMSC and thinking, "He is an incredible speaker: able to teach, challenge, sound like he's talking straight to you, barely uses his notes!" and then, "huh, I would like to teach like that someday." While I'm still discovering the unique teaching gifts God has given me, I think that note put into perspective what I appreciated about effective teachers. As I practiced my talk in the shower a couple days before my talk, I realized I could give nearly the whole introduction without notes! This made me more aware of how much I could speak naturally, from memory and also without my paper. Even though it was my fourth talk in my staff experience, it was the first I loved! I also loved teaching on hospitality in September and then Moses in November. Lots of fun. Remembering: finding freedom to embrace what I love and recognize the gifts and strengths God has given me. And: It's okay to claim/accept/embrace you're good at something. 

Seattle Roadtrip (July): Roadtripping with Jane, the perfect vacation buddy. Long talks everywhere. Relaxing boat ride with old Kolkata friends. Celebrating the McEntee's wedding. Sleeping at good times and waking up at good times, feeling so rested. Pike's Place and July 4th with the gals. A good, good vacation. Remembering: Take vacations! Also, I love water.

Intern Trek (July): Returning to the trek just two years later at staff put my growth into perspective, and I surprised myself when the multiethnicity conversation rolled around and I spoke with a sure, confident voice to both our entire group as well as to individual AAm interns. It was a voice that had grown over two years, one that tested the waters of trust, vulnerability, and redemption and had learned a little of where to speak up and where to hold back. It was ready to speak and teach things that my eyes saw, it testified of brokenness and our need for Jesus and for grace, but also told story after story of why the messy journey was worth it.
       And it was a voice that others were listening to: ones that my fellow Asian brothers and sisters followed, ones that my non-Asian comrades sought for perspective. It caught me off guard. I suppose my response to Pauline at the end of the trek summarized it well: as she commented about authority, respect, and the the way I carried myself, I said something along the lines of: "New clothes, it feels like I'm trying on new clothes." The last night of the trek, I had an adrenaline rush as I realized the things that I had led, initiated, and encouraged as well as what had been affirmed in the past 10 days. Remembering: Walk in the authority that God gives you when he asks you to hold a whole fellowship, a whole campus in your heart. Lead out of your time spent with God, not out of your expertise. And speak loudly and clearly. 

Mini-highlight (September): Celebrating five years with Darrell! This sounds absolutely ridiculous. I've been with this guy for 20% of my life! But every year is different. We are very different people than we were when we first started. And you know what? That's a very, very good thing. I think we were going to hike Mission Peak that day too, but it rained...and it was the day before my sister's Bridal Shower, so he went shopping with me...but maybe that really is our life together: changing plans and making it work together. And we did end that night with some absolutely delicious lamb chops, and walking, sitting around, and reminiscing...just like we always do (minus the lamb chops).

November: I love the month of November. I may be biased because it's my birthday month, but it's also a lovely autumn month (my favorite season!) as well as the start of the holiday festivities. But this November was especially lovely, so it gets it's own section!

• Mini-highlight: The first few days of this month were spent preparing for my sister's wedding! And then I got a brother-in-law! The whole helping-with-wedding-stuff and explaining-and-interpreting-for-both-sides made me extremely aware of my bi-cultural life as I explained American weddings and perspectives to my parents, and found words to explain my parents' expectations, traditions, and perceptions to friends. But hey, it pulled off rather smoothly. 
• Finding rhythms: When Darrell started his hardest rotation in early November, I told him I would wake up at 8 am and pray for him (us campus staff have the flexibility to start our days later, but we do stay up later to make up for it...). After less than a week of 8 am wake up times, I felt incredible! I had leisurely time to get ready in the morning, and best of all, I started taking long, extended quiet times, spending up to an hour or an hour fifteen with Jesus in the mornings. I could journal the whole time, read scripture, do some stretches, or even get artsy. I had so many good mornings with God!
• Choosing to receive: I spent most of my 25th birthday in San Francisco with a couple support meetings. Then I dashed home to grab some snacks before heading out for a mini-game night....and then was surprised by chocolate cake halfway through! Almost every year from the past five years, I've been surprised by people who love me. Almost every year, I give Darrell the same spiel about how I feel bad that people are making a big deal out of my birthday, that I try not to draw attention to it and feel awkward that people did anyway. But this year, I think I'll receive it....receive the love and all. 
• Rediscovering my love for campus: Some sweet, much-needed prayer time at Cultivate left me rediscovering the freedom to be fully who God made it...or at least, the freedom to find that out. Man, letting go of the burden of trying to be someone else, remember how God made you and what you loved about loving people, and choosing to be yourself in ministry is a wonderful thing. I had the best two weeks of campus after that. 

Okay. This is a long post. And there were more great moments in it!! (says the eternal optimist) What a year, what a year! Here's to another one!

On Facebook (or rather, off it)

Birthdays have become a bigger deal for me these past few years, a built-in time to look back on the year past and think about what I want the next year to be. Last month, I decided that I finally wanted to address my facebook addiction: I often turned on my laptop and signed on while I was brushing my teeth, I would automatically pop open a window and open up facebook in between my work, I would lose whole hours at a time just endlessly and mindlessly scrolling and clicking through. And I cared about it more than I wanted to admit: I didn't want to be someone who posted all the time, but I also wanted every post of mine to be extremely well-crafted. Humorous or thoughtful, whatever. I thought in facebook statuses more than I like to admit.

My first couple days of this "off of facebook" time were eye-opening, to say the least. I took off the shortcut from my bookmarks bar and turned on Chrome Nanny to block the site. I quickly realized how embarrassingly automatic it was to be on facebook. I found my cursor searching for the icon that was no longer there, I hit a quick sequence of "Ctrl + T" (new tab), "f" (to make facebook.com pop up in the bar), down arrow, enter. No wonder I lost so much time: I opened facebook so often without even thinking about it. Unfortunately, I didn't have enough self control to block in completely. So even though my usage dropped, I still "cheated" and signed on with a firefox browser for that first weekend. Then I told Darrell I was horrible at it and that he should change my password, so he did.

Here are some of the things I'm learning from my time off facebook:

• Sometimes, vegging is necessary. I might not be on facebook, but I've watched more WongFu videos and even partial episodes of Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon. Sometimes, your brain really is tired and needs to not think. 
• If you want to be distracted, you will find ways. Last Sunday, I was trying to find something to do with my evening, so I re-discovered Escape Room games. The following Monday, I was highly unmotivated and so found more escape rooms to play. A few days later, I actually looked up a version of Angry Birds...I just really wanted something to "do". I imagine this is where some simple games could come in handy, or any other hobbies, I suppose (though hobbies are kinda in a different category than pure distraction).  
• When I need a break from work, there are sometimes great ways to do it. Sometimes I am too tired for work but just in the mood to do the dishes or clean my closet. Sometimes I need a break from work, but the perfect break is reading. Unfortunately, I don't actually know what I want to read. Aka, don't have books-on-hand, forget what blogs I'm interested in because I don't see any social shares, or...
• I have no idea how to read the news. I fully admit that all the news I got was via facebook, whether someone posted about an event and I looked it up, or I straight up clicked so many links/posts/blogs and read from there. When I decided I wanted to read the news, I didn't know where to start. I still don't. Currently I'm bouncing between Google News (which seems like a random aggregation of whatever is important enough...), Sac Bee (local is always a good idea right), and BBC (someone told me that's reliable enough). 
• But that's news-news. What about other news? Fun tech updates, the most viral youtube thing at the moment, or even a plagiarism scandal in the Christian world? Nope. In fact, I only heard of the last item because I signed on twitter and saw a tweet. If I'm going to continue to limit my facebook use, I need to find other ways to keep updated. But most importantly, I need to stop reading only what everyone else is reading. Even though my diversity of friends lends some options to things, and even if these other sources get me to the same place anyway. 
• Ideas: Gizmodo (tech), Angry Asian Man (AAM news), Christianity Today, NPR...aside from personal blogs
• Regarding the first three bullet points: being off facebook is helping me recognize the difference between all of them. With facebook, it was always the default (to the point of being distracted when I had good intentions of working). Now, I have a better feel for where I'm at: if it's a watch-a-show type of break, if I feel like reading content and news, or if I want to get up and away from my computer. I think a lot less about it. 
• It's nice not to care. Okay confession: I do like to see how many people like my statuses, shares, photos. But for this month, it's nice to not even think about it! Not to think about if you will share a link or not, how you want to word a clever status, or if it's too soon to post another photo.
• On the flip side, I am probably missing out. I knew in theory social media and the internet is the majority of our interactions. Full conversations and interactions take place on a thread. Your response in comments or likes combine for a presence...that won't replace your actual being, sure, but still let's people know you are there. Facebook is where funny stories and memories get posted through statuses, photos, references, and links. And when you're not on it, it's a little bit like being left out of the crowd. 
• facebook is super self-centered. This is a "duh", but it is even more obvious when I'm away from it! Everything you post is about you, or something you care about. 
• A lot of communication does happen on it. I met a friend's dad at church on Sunday, and he quickly messaged me later that day (easy to find a facebook account, harder to find an email). I have a couple old acquaintances I was considering contacting, but I don't have an email or a number. And while we lament the superficial-ness of facebook, it is really helpful that have such an ultra-casual interaction over a shared link or photo! Many of those make it less awkward to call them up later and actually for real hang out. 

I also know a lot less about people's lives, can't stalk what's happening with my friends in other states, don't know the weather on the East Coast (sometimes I hear about it when people post about snow!), and have no idea if there are any good picture of me posted from the Frisbee tournament last weekend. Oh yes, that's another thing: my joys, laughter, and sadness only gets shared to the people who are close enough (physically or relationally). I tend not to post a whole lot, but here are some things that could have made it:

• Kai and me danced enough to get on the jumbotron at the Thunder game (I almost-definitely-would have posted about this!)
• D had his car accident and survived. I am so grateful. 
• I ate a lot of Malaysian food over Thanksgiving break (there would have been pictures). The family, including my new brother-in-law, also was together for the first time since the wedding (also would have been photos)
• I had the best week on campus ever after being there four days in a row
• God is opening incredible doors in raising support for ministry

Well, facebook, you do manage to turn yourself into a good memory-keeper, as long as you can find it in the mess of everything else that gets shared. On the flip side, much happened in my community (our church lost a beloved member and leader) and world (e.g., Mandela's passing), and I have no idea what people are sharing or saying. 

Also, this has been an incredibly long post. But the thoughts have been brewing for the past week or so, and it just seemed like a good night to get it all out--the not-vegging but not-working type of night, you know? Bottom line is, I was way more addicted to facebook than I realized, and signing off of it has been a most wonderful idea. It will be nice to be back on in 10 days, but I think I'll have a better idea on how not to end up as addicted. And I will keep reading the news. 

starting over (on campus)

bringing leftover birthday cake to campus to give to strangers
sitting down with people you don't know (with the excuse of using the outlet)
baking extra cookies for people you meet
choosing to sit with students for an hour -- no worry about "next steps" just yet, loose purpose for getting together, just enjoying relationship and loving

remembering that going to campus is always a good idea. even if you don't know how you're going to use your time there.

Something Beautiful

I close my eyes and breathe the fall air coming into my window. I am thankful for two lives: one that is two days over 25 years, one that was one seat belt away from last breath. I can't decide how much thought to give to possibility that last night was so close to my worst nightmare. I am grateful for the sturdiness of a Honda CRV and to the faithfulness of our God. But in an exasperated moment I can't help but say, He can't ever get a break.

I watch him moving, walking. No one will know he has slept two hours last night (or this morning, rather), or that he has been so, so tired. He buttons up his shirt, he ties a firm knot in his tie. He is sharp, he is gentle, he is strong. I watch his steps, grateful that he is alive. I love his resilience - that in our past five years together, I have seen him pick himself up over and over again. From failure, from the unexpected, from trauma, from relationships. Does he know not everyone can do this? He sighs, closes his eyes, breathes, gathers up whatever it is sitting around inside of him, and moves forward. Even on two hours of sleep.

We were going to celebrate my birthday. A little nagging thought imagines how horrible that second day of 25 could have been if things went different last night. Today we'll celebrate life, two lives, two lives intertwined and woven and grateful. These past two weeks, I've loved you as I've stayed up later than my bedtime to keep you company while you work through assignments. Last night, I stayed up to stay close to you on a couch in your friend's home. You poked me as I made references to the movie we were supposed to watch together today, irreverently humorous in a night that went horribly wrong. I told you to count prime numbers to get your mind to slow down.

You'll make it - you always do, it seems. You'll replay scenes and memories, I'll piece together imagination from your descriptions. We'll be okay.

I thought I saw a light shine. 

Choosing

For the first time in years I switch my birthday on facebook to public after briefly recognizing that my resistance the past few years is rooted in a bit of pride. I don't want to be like everyone else who gets hundreds of HBD's on their birthday and I told myself that I don't need everyone's well-wishes, just the genuine ones from those who will remember my one day out of 365.

But today, I choose to receive. I choose to smile knowing that I love others and others love me and that brief wishes on a birthday can be meaningful. I receive the memories and laughs and gratitude of those in my life. I like to take the time to appreciate others, and I can't pretend that I'm too good for it myself. I'll choose this little act of letting people know it's my date of birth to remind myself that I can't walk a one-way road and pretend I don't need others. I choose to accept: accept love, accept friendship, and accept that I need both. I accept that I need friends to thrive, and that words are gifts that have life. And I choose to recognize that social media can have depth, if we let it. I let meaning and authenticity onto my wall and I let go of the cynicism that nothing on facebook matters.

And even as I sit in Panera starting my 26th year of life with just my writing, a chocolate croissant, and a cup of coffee, I ask for wisdom to balance the secrecy and the solitude of intimacy with my Father on one hand, while recognizing and receiving the blessing of community and relationship on the other.