Shirts and Gloves

I know it's not a smart idea to listen to a sad song multiple times in one day. But it's been cycling through since it crossed my mind last night. Last night, as I sat staring at the happy picture you sent me for our four year anniversary. Last night, as I browsed through the pictures of us we've taken collectively (you still have more on your end, by the way). Happy, such happy photos.

I'm tired of this distance and I believe it's overrated.

Rough days. I know you say I'm always busy, but these few weeks (upcoming month?) is yet another round of busy. Nights seem taken and the afternoon call we squeezed in was choppy. Throwing news and updates and FYI's and save-the-date-I'm-visiting...

It seems like nothing's happened
until I've shared them with you.

What's going on in your life? How has it been almost a week since the last time we hung out, which was also our last real long conversation? Impatience flings frustrated, irrational statements: that email was not enough, that phone call was not enough, when was the last just-thinking-of-you? Feeling lonely, wanting to tell you everything, wanting you to ask me first, knowing it's not fair because you don't know enough to ask. Someone has to break the cycle.

I think I miss you most on Wednesdays and Saturdays.

Well, today was Wednesday and I missed you. Terribly. And Saturday I will be with my best friend and then I have the evening alone. It will be the first night of the playoffs and I don't know if I like watching baseball as much without you. All I've had of the Giants these last few weeks of the season have also felt lonely: articles read while unwinding at night, clicking through stats, having to google and wikipedia terms like Triple Crown and everything else I don't know, listening to the radio when I'm driving...by myself. As much as I've grown to love the Giants, I've also only known them with you. If we can get the TV to work, I'll probably sit watching the game while working on my small sewing projects. Saturday. I'll miss you a lot on Saturday, if I don't already miss you every day in between.
 
I'm hoping time will pass without any assistance or convincing.

I guess the countdown is down to a week. But that's counting down to a couple hours squeezed between my meetings in the Bay. If you're frustrated, know that I am too: I'm getting this week off campus, so I should be faithful to do work, right? Don't I need to have these meetings? But isn't it painful to finally be in an hour radius of each other but be unable to squeeze in more than a few hours together? Yeah, for me too. And if you haven't figured it out, I don't always know how to articulate things beyond the cold hard calculation of work. Then there's the added layer of frustration of me being busy like heck with your schedule open so often...but we've been there before. I guess you should know that I hope one of my lunch meetings doesn't work out so maybe I'll see you for a bit longer.

It seems our day keeps falling on a leap year. 

I play this horrible game when we're long distance, waiting to see if you'll call or write when I'm expecting you to (or before I do), then getting mad if you don't. When I can find real breathes of air in the middle of my anger, I know that the only reason I'm angry is because you've missed the mark on a high hope I never told you I had. It's a selfish game of my expectations and we both know it. It's never fair to you and it's completely wrong of me. Though I try to drop it and you try to beat it anyway to love me...no one ever wins at that game. But sometimes in that one more night without hearing from you...There we go again.