17. Crap, wrong manners.

Last month we were eating brunch at the home of dear friends of ours. At the end of the meal, I started to gather the silverware and stack the plates so I could help them put them away. This is customary at an Asian house to help out until the host insists you stop. My brother and I majorly impressed some Chinese parents when we offered to clean and helped wash dishes at the end of the meal. You always offer to help, and if though the host often insists you don't, you are expected to do so anyway. This, however, is not what Larry was expecting. "Don't do that! You know you don't have to do that," he said as he quickly took the dishes from me. Wrong thing to do as a guest in a white American home?

______________________________________________

Related to host vs. guest roles, hostess gifts are common in both the American culture I've learned and the Chinese culture I grew up in, though the actual gifts and things you bring vary. When we head to a Chinese home, we usually bring fruits or snacks that get shared with us that very afternoon. I feel like hostess gifts in American culture are more for holiday parties or housewarmings and include adornments for the home (vases, decorative items) or necessities for guests (like soaps or serving ware?) in addition to munchies with which you can host. Of course, this is what I gather from reading things like Real Simple and Better Home & Gardens, so like I may be completely inaccurate.

Anyway, when I visit a Chinese family, I always know to bring over biscuits, cookies, or fruit. I'm not quite sure if I've ever really gifted a hostess gift to a non-Chinese home (maybe I've never been to that sort of party), but over the past few years, I have learned to ask, "Is there anything I should bring?" to a non-Asian host before I come for a meal. Usually there's nothing, but occasionally I've been encouraged to add drinks or a small dessert as a supplement.

Thus I didn't think twice when I asked my Chinese friend Michelle, "Is there anything I can bring?" before I headed to her house for lunch. She almost sounded startled, caught off guard. "No, no we have everything here. We have drinks, vegetables, food, ice cream. You don't need to bring anything." Whoops, wrong question I realized quickly. It didn't change the fact that I still brought lemon cookies to share after the meal, but it was definitely not a question that was expected or needed, not in a culture where hosting means providing everything and anything for your guest's most comfortable experience. A Chinese host would not ask you to bring anything to the meal.
______________________________________________

Summary: Right manners. Wrong situations.