Dear Jesus,
Thank you for walking with me today.
But I feel guilty. Jesus, I am not competitive. I didn't want to win, didn't ask to be on top. But once you're there, what can you do?
I feel frustrated by those who think they would have done otherwise. Redistributed wealth, set the lower class free. But it was so hard. You would have done the same. Trust me, you would have. Because I did.
I feel dirty. I feel like I betrayed them, hurt Natalie. I know I said things to put them down, know I was relieved to have Steve move down. I didn't want to be that far ahead, but we made it happen. To secure my safety.
Maybe I feel guilty because I know I am. All my excuses these years: I have come to be a student, after all. That comes first: securing my future.
I am angry because I feel like I am the only one feeling. Why does no one echo my outburst? Aren't we all so equally corrupt, so disgustingly selfish?
More excuses: I didn't ask to be smart. I'm not that rich. My jealousy at everyone who does not understand what it is like to find your own money for college. The shadow of loan repayment looming. Sure, I make a thousand a month. But that's only enough to live on.
Jesus, peel away these excuses. Deal with this guilt, but I know I need this tension. It is like Peter all over again--I am just like him.
But I talk four years after this journey has begun and where am I? I've created a budget only to count down to the next month so I can spend again. I will talk to the needy who cross my path, but I do not search for them. And I still walk Stockton nearly paralyzed with fear. Afraid to be approached, called at, attacked. Wary of any dark figures, always remembering that anything can happen.
And perhaps that is my real guilt, my real shame. That after 4.5 years, I say I have come to love the place, call it home. Yet I fear, Jesus. I remember the terrifying moments of darkness, I cannot trust the strangers on the street.
But Jesus you are doing something. Your people, talking and serving in real life, fear nothing. Bob (Peniel) says with confidence that you are changing the footprint of the city. There are people seeking shalom. There are churches working together.
Do you call me faithful? Are you still pleased? Is my heart actually soft? For surely it is not guilt you want me to dwell in. Conviction, perhaps. Because, well, I have grown. And this is a journey, after all.
SIGH, Jesus. Sometimes I feel like I'm not going anywhere.
But thank you for being with me. Like you always are, right Jesus?
I love you.
Audrey
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Sixteen staff and students from Pacific Christian Fellowship participated in StockDip this past weekend. With the intent of getting a small "dip" into the reality of urban poverty as well as a glimpse of God's heart for the oppressed, we studied scripture, participated in simulations, went on a city walk, and heard testimonies as well as lived and ate with the residents of the Gospel Center Rescue Mission.
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