Rainy June

1.  June ends in two days and it is...raining?!

2.  I got a $25 iTunes gift card a few weeks ago, and guess what?  I don't know what to do with it!  I rarely buy music, and I discovered I still have $5.23 left over from my previous gift card.  There's so much pressure to use your gift card right and get something that you'll really love...and I don't know what I want.  Gavin DeGraw's Chariot stripped album is an option.  Or Mumford & Sons (yeah, different, I know). 

3.  The Fourth of July is this weekend.  Might I add that to the list of holidays my family doesn't know how to celebrate?  What's supposed to go on?  BBQs and fireworks?  I might end up sitting around all day reading a book.  We'll see. 

4.  My first federal loan payment was today.  It makes me feel grown up in a slightly depressing way.  But thank God for automatic EBTs. 

5.  There are a lot of things that haven't happened in awhile, and I think my life is craving them:  a good baking streak (cookies?  cake?  banana bread?  new recipe?), a daycation (read: day escape out of Stock-town with the bf), and a good girlfriend sesh. 

6.  Sandwiched between a round trip drive to the Bay (left at 7:20 am, returned at 3 pm) and the Moonlight Classic drum corps competition, D and I enjoyed a rather lazy Sunday afternoon, complete with a game of 2-player Blokus (please bf, stop beating me in everything), ice cream, and Calvin and Hobbes.  Sometimes life is really really good. 

7.  And other times life is really crummy.  Sometimes I'm researching for the School and I end up stumbling on reviews of the University.  It's really pathetic, a waste of time, and I should really never do it.  Stuff like this school is a joke, employers don't take your degree seriously, the only thing they're good at is marketing.  Most of me doesn't believe it, another part of me knows there's a fragment of truth in our, well...not quite top-notch education. 

8.  And it makes me think of dumb things like being driven by profit, not being honest about our actual ranking and overall student success...but also makes me recognize that no matter the school, no matter the major, no matter the prestige, you have to be hardworking and motivated to be that student.

9.  Then I think, what the crap?  Of course that's how the world runs.  But when my future kid is going to college, do I tell them that and say, "Push yourself if you want to succeed"?  Or do I trust him to trust God and remember that you know what.  Kingdom values are different.  Christ followers are different.  It doesn't mean we neglect academia and succeeding in our profession, but it means we left Jesus' words affect how we approach these things. 

10.  The past three items often just lead me to sigh, wish our world wasn't the way it was, and imagine how glorious heaven will be.  Makes me think about things like Eden and redemption and shalom and how God must have intended the world to be...

Sorry the last four were Debbie Downer status.

Three on Tuesday

Well, not really feeling like coming up with ten...but I will give you three!

1.  I recently bought a pair of white shorts (longer than Bermuda shorts, just above my knees...what are these called?  Beats me.  Every new clothing item has a name.  Anyway.).  I own very few white items, let alone white pants.  But I realized something today:  if all you do is sit in a office and move from one cushioned office chair to the next, the main chances you have for getting your pants dirty is spilling your coffee!  At the same time, I realized I shouldn't wear these cute white shorts on days when I'll want to sit on grass or lie on the ground.  Because I do that all the time, you know.

2.  I used to really love Hello Kitty and Sanrio and had a lot of related things.  In 8th grade, we went to a Sanrio store on my birthday so I could pick out a present.  I picked out a light blue desk drawer set (ohhoho practical even then!) which I have just brought back into my Stockton home.  Save the color, it doesn't fit anything in my room.  But oh well, I needed the drawers.

3.  I'm getting really tired of Bruno Mars' "The Lazy Song."  Partly because it makes me think, "Well good for you, Bruno.  Doesn't work when you have work, chores, bills, etc..." However, I like to think that Bruno is a hard worker, being a recording artist, producer, writer, and all that stuff.  Still...

Luke 5

One day as Jesus was standing by the Lake of Gennesaret, the people were crowding around him and listening to the word of God. He saw at the water's edge two boats, left there by the fishermen, who were washing their nets. He got into one of the boats, the one belonging to Simon, and asked him to put out a little from shore. Then he sat down and taught the people from the boat.

When he had finished speaking, he said to Simon, "Put out into deep water, and let down the nets for a catch."  Simon answered, "Master, we've worked hard all night and haven't caught anything. But because you say so, I will let down the nets."

When they had done so, they caught such a large number of fish that their nets began to break.  So they signaled their partners in the other boat to come and help them, and they came and filled both boats so full that they began to sink.  When Simon Peter saw this, he fell at Jesus' knees and said, "Go away from me, Lord; I am a sinful man!" For he and all his companions were astonished at the catch of fish they had taken, and so were James and John, the sons of Zebedee, Simon's partners.

Then Jesus said to Simon, "Don't be afraid; from now on you will fish for people." So they pulled their boats up on shore, left everything and followed him.

________________

She answered--"Jesus, I've done this over and over again and nothing's changed, we haven't gone anywhere.  But because you say so, I will listen to you.  I will do as you say."  

And after she had done so, she saw her life so full, so provided for that surely Jesus is there, God is guiding her.  She fell at Jesus' feet and said, "Jesus, who am I?  How can I ever follow you?"  For she was astonished at what she had seen Jesus do in her life and of those around her.

And he says to her, "Don't be afraid, from now on you will fish for people."  So she stopped her engineering plans, left everything and followed him.

How is fundraising going?

An oft-asked question at this point in life.


Fundraising is a whirlwind of emotions.  Every hour spent on support-related things (writing emails, mailing letters, logging responses, writing and rewriting lists of people to meet) is a fight to remember that God is in control, prayer is a necessity, and that this is worthwhile.  With each letter, the half worry of How will they respond?  Will they respond?  What will they think?  Am I being appropriate?

I tell myself several things during this time:

• Prayer is more important than finances.  It is incredibly hard to remember that an afternoon spent in prayer will do more than an afternoon spent checking things off my list.  The only way that works?  God > me.  Why is that so hard to believe? 
• Don't take it personally.  If someone does not respond or does not support, it's not personal.  I do not know their finances, their heart/ministry focus, their reasoning.  
• This is valuable.  I remind myself that I have seen Jesus transform lives and that I want to see this for even more students. 

God is in control.  He is the one who provides, he is the one who strengthens those who follow him.  Ministry has been going on since creation; I am not the first one.  

And what about all the times he has provided even in this past year?  Can I be so quick to forget?  Provision, provision, provision. 

This doesn't make it easy, though.  The thought of asking for consistent support, to invest in something long-term, to be doing something that people don't expect...to open up my inbox to no responses, to leave more voicemails...

Sometimes it feels like a neverending stream of mini-prayers.  God, what am I doing?  God, you know my heart.  God, remind me why this matters.  You are in charge.  It is not about me.  It is not my ministry. 

But there are moments of extreme encouragement:  my Stockton home church so willingly transferring support from Shannon to me, friends responding positively with just one short email.  Pieces that remind me that God is orchestrating my life, and he will do a far better job of it than I ever can. 

Rest & Recovery

I got this weird-funky sickness on Saturday, like a 10 hour flu or something.  After a whole lot of sleeping, yesterday I was back to almost-normal (though after two points on the Ultimate field I decided I shouldn't push myself anymore since my body's still recovering...), and today I might venture to say that I am fine.  However, lying in bed miserable and frustrated triggered several thoughts that have been floating around in my mind recently, including:

• I need to take care of myself better.  Action item:  Eat breakfast, warm up before working out (hah...), actually try to sleep enough.
• I cannot fake that my personal time with God has been sufficient.  Action item:  Take my quiet times on campus on the way back from work, before I even get home.  Did this today--it was wonderful.
• Put fundraising back in perspective. aka--nothing in your life is so important that the world will collapse if you do not do it RIGHT NOW.  Action item:  Center my heart on scripture and stop treating fundraising like a term project I need to tackle. 
• Rest, and do something about building it back into my schedule.  Tentative action item:  Friggin turn off my laptop at 11 pm already!  I'm not doing anything particularly significant by that time, and I could really use the time to unwind or read or...anything but get to 12:30 pm and think whoops-closealltabsitstimeforbed!

On to the rest of the evening!  PCF Lite-rs are coming over for hangout and games, and because I can't make brownies because I have baked potatoes in the oven, I whipped together some tuna dip to go with the saltine crackers Ken and Janine brought me on Saturday but I have little desire to finish now.

Speaking of baked potatoes, I should probably go eat them now so I'm not caught with the awkward oh-you-just-showed-up-well-let-me-finish-my-dinner...

Wrecked nerves.

I just made my first fundraising call in Chinese.  To a family friend/FRCC church member who has known me for the past few years, yes...but wow my heart is racing.  A combination of having no confidence built up in asking yet and being so rusty in Chinese.  Nerve wrecking!  Panic!  Hopefully okay!  Was it inappropriately asked?  Will they say something to my parents?

I'm going to need a lot more Jesus if this is to go on.  I can't decide if this is easier over the phone or in person.

Ahhhh.

This is my combination of Chinese characters, pinyin (mandarin phonetic alphabet), and roman alphabet phonetics to attempt some sort of phone script...forgive my lack of Chinese language understanding!!

This is so emotional.

I'm going to dub these days Coffeeshop Productivity Days.  Hours at Empresso with an iced caramella latte (I'm on my ninth stamp here.  One more and I get a free drink!) with my laptop, Big Contacts, excel spreadsheets, and letters and letters and people and people working on fundraising for InterVarsity.

For those who don't know, IV is a non-profit and all its employees are required to raise a certain level of financial support, much like overseas missionaries do.  As I'm going through this, it's this strange complicated net of contacting people, written communication, phone calls, prayer, questions, doubts, excitement, mission, vision, and calling all wrapped into this...life.

When we went to Fund Development training last month, we discussed how fundraising/support development is really a spiritual issue.  You're inviting people into God's mission, you're trusting God for provision, you're believing that the calling he has given you is true and worth it.

And yet in writing all these letters and slowly moving towards inviting people to support the ministry, the mess of personal concerns and issues comes into play.  Are they disappointed I'm not doing engineering?  How do I respect cultural norms but not lose opportunity when I need to be direct?  What if they're already supporting others?  What if I'm not supported well enough by fall semester and can't be on campus?

I remind myself of several things during this time:

• As followers of Christ, we believe that he owns all and we are stewards of what he has given us.
• Not everyone is called to support everything.  If their heart is for college ministry, cheers!  If not, then other areas that they may be supporting are equally important (urban ministry, global missions, healthcare, etc). 
• Don't take it personally.  Don't take it personally.  Don't take it personally.  
• We are excited to find partners, people who will be praying for the campus, students, and ministry, whether they are alumni of a college ministry or simply excited for what God is doing
• I am encouraged by the people who have always loved and supported me and continue this through IV as well!  Thank you, thank you--it's like a nice little foundation in this big mess of howdoIevenstartthis? 
• Well, Jehovah Jireh, you've provided and stepped in so many times before.  Who am I to doubt that you won't do so again?

And so, my afternoon at Empresso continues with a plethora of mini-tasks that I can't even cross off my to-do list.  But I promise I'm being productive.  

P.S.  If you bring in your own tumbler for your beverage, you get 10 cents off!

Oops

Dear Blog,

When I decided I would start blogging again, I did so with the mentality that it would be live, somewhat buzzing with activity, real, and current.  I rolled my eyes at the "dead" blogs that have few updates so far apart...and yet this has become one of them.

But there is a reason for starting this.  Part for others--a way to glimpse into my oh.so.complicated life because so many are not physically around.  Part for myself, because even though a majority of the time life seems to be exploding in five hundred directions at once, I was thinking the other day and I don't really know what I would change about life. At this moment.

(That may be because there are so many things associated with everything else that changing one thing would change ten million others, like those time-travel movies that never work out.  But let's ignore that.)

So let's try this again.  Try to write, albeit short and incomplete.  Maybe random, maybe spontaneous, maybe intentional.  Anything to get into the kick of writing, to recording things down after those moments I think, I should/could probably write about this.


How will this work amidst my ever-growing list of to-do's?  Er, we'll figure it out.  For now, I should probably be in bed...