Recognizing Insecurities

My race day post was full of many accomplishments and things I’m proud of, but I held back on many disclaimers and things I did poorly, though I couldn’t help but let a few areas of improvement trickle in (e.g., pacing, next race’s goal time). I actually typed a lot of them out but cut them in the editing phase, knowing that, often, my accomplishments get overshadowed when I think of how much better I can do. But this is my post on insecurities, and here are a few things I held back previously:

• It wasn’t that big a race, so placing top 30% or top 20 isn’t that big a deal
• I failed my personal goal of never walking during a race
• My early fast splits don’t really count because I obviously lost momentum during the last few miles

I left out those disclaimers because I know, I know they don’t need to be said on that first celebratory post. I know that in certain areas, I’m my hardest critic. I know Darrell exasperatedly tells me that I can’t always compare myself to people miles ahead of me (literally and figuratively). And in that first round, I wanted to stand tall and celebrate a really good race.

But I've spent this past week thinking of my PR, my instinct to downplay the accomplishment and tell people the things I did wrong, and why the heck do I feel the need to do that? As I mull over this question, I feel like something can be said about the areas in which I’m very confident versus places where it’s near to none. There’s a pretty, pretty high possibility it was to do with how many people around me are competent in the same area.

Exhibit A – On the staff team: Pulling out creative ideas like they’re stored in my back pocket, making aesthetically pleasing and well-organized handouts, writing great Excel spreadsheets, finding good ways to wordsmith or communicate things = Confident.

Exhibit B – Photography, Ultimate Frisbee, Running = totally not confident.

Theories? Actions in group A often receive much affirmation from grateful staff members. They’re also part of work, which in some ways, already requires competence. Group B, on the other hand, are pure hobbies. So perhaps the risk is because it’s a hobby, something I have chosen to care about, voluntarily participate in. The last two, being sports, are also intrinsically competitive. Photography is also often a high-publicity activity.

Maybe the things I listed are simply not helpful and not even on the same category of things that can be even compared. But churning these thoughts feels like scratching an itch I have of trying to figure out this insecurity knack in me, because clearly I don’t lack confidence in everything, I just happen to have very little confidence in a few areas. Like, to the point where I don’t recognize my own ability.

Maybe at the very bottom line, I lack confidence in the areas where I’m most exposed to people who are way better than me. All the things in Group A happen in the context of my staff team, where I’m just kinda the go-to person for those specific things. It’s almost expected of me. Group B, on the other hand, has me surrounded by professional businesses, friends who shoot such high quality images, people who play on club Ultimate teams, and people who are simply way too fast (like the running club I visit).

So maybe, I need to figure out how to have an accurate and healthy self-assessment even when I’m obviously not at the top of the game. It makes no sense, but a majority of the time, I’m comparing myself to people who are on completely different levels than I am: It makes no sense to compare myself to someone who photographs for a living, who uses their pay and business to invest in high-quality equipment. And if I haven’t devoted the energy to train and condition for a club team, then I can’t expect myself to play like one.

If I must compare, and I compare myself to people on my level, then yes: I can stand confidently. After all, I am proud of a lot of my photography, I am an asset on Ultimate leagues, and sub-10:00 paces are fast for someone who just does it as a hobby and isn't training too seriously. And that makes a lot more sense anyway.