New Clothes

What are the scripts I follow? The role I'm born into, a narrative handed to be at birth: the words and roles for the youngest daughter and the little sister, always looking up to someone older with more experience. I might be the most responsible and capable in the room, but I'll downplay it or at least not draw attention to it. The lessons that tell me never to be proud of myself, to wait and let others praise me. The training to see critique first, and maybe a sliver of success. The script I've been given puts authority and pride in a confusing gray area, mixes confidence and arrogance so I can't tell them apart and am afraid to show one in case it's misinterpreted as the other.

It takes practice to hold back the lines I've recited my whole life, and to replace them with ones that I still feel unsure about. My supervisor says I am not allowed to say, "I don't know what I'm doing" anymore, as it undermines my own authority and just reinforces my own self-doubt. So I stop. But even if those six words don't come out of my mouth, I find my insecurity wanting to creep out in other ways: I want to double check my instincts with my supervisor in the room even when I'm the one leading, I am tempted to speak in hesitancy and doubt instead of confidence and direction. I want to remind everyone that I am new, inexperienced, and figuring it out.

But I hold back, even if it means the five hour meeting is filled with choices of what to say and what to hold back. Say my decision, hold back my hesitation. Say my instinct, hold back the need for affirmation. Say my plan, hold back my doubt. There are many places for feedback, discussion, teamwork and collaboration, but I can create those spaces well as a leader. This is practice, this is discipline, and it makes me more aware than ever of my lack of confidence. Who would have thought?

Last summer I told a staff director that the influence and authority I found myself with felt like new clothes. New clothes - they fit, they're right, they're good, they're needed. Still, it takes some getting used to. It might actually fit perfectly, but it doesn't mean that the for awhile, I will still be very aware that I am wearing my New Shirt when I put it on. But like a perfect-fitting shirt, I will choose to wear the leadership that is made for me and that fits me well. New shirts are good things.