I'm not that loving.

I think one of the reasons why D's midterms and finals weeks are difficult is because they make me realize how selfless I'm not. I leave the short 10-minute conversations we have realizing I spent the majority of the time telling him what's going on in my life, leaving him very little space to speak. I assume things--that he must have no stories because it's all studying, for example--only to find out that there's more to his life than what I see. I still expect him to watch a video or finish a discussion with me, even when every minute is precious. And in the middle of this, I'm riddled with guilt, knowing that every half hour spent together could have been another page or two of lecture. Or wondering if all the stress built up now could have been lessened if I didn't contribute so much to his non-productivity earlier this semester.

Then there are the times that I am tense, upset, frustrated at the shift in mood, thoughts, and ability to engage. I think this is okay, that it makes sense that my attitude and life is affected because of where he's at. Yet it's been three years, but that doesn't mean I'm better at navigating the responsibility and understanding in a relationship. When are negative feelings understandable? When do I need to let him be? Where does the air clear up and we both say, "We're doing a horrible job at this"? If one of our lives needs to be prioritized at the moment, how much should be sacrificed for that period of time? I wish I didn't ask these questions. Wish I didn't count things as fair and unfair, run a list of "but how about this time" or "shouldn't we still be able to...?". Should I be able to be the unconditionally loving girlfriend in his most stressed of times? But I'm not, I'm not.

And I think that's the hardest things: I'm not that loving. I don't have that much grace with him. Even after all those years of him loving me well in my chaos, I find myself wanting to pout and have him sit with me in the middle of his. Too often, these high-intensity, stressful weeks show how much I would prefer his world and our relationship to revolve around me and what I'd like. I wish it were different, but for now, it's not. And I don't like who I am during this time...which of course, doesn't help anything.