Thou only

On one hand, it makes complete sense that people would be surprised, that people would ask. On the other hand, I still feel like I'm standing on shaky ground in regards to my confidence, so when I hear the responses, I also hear them pricking at the insecurity I still have.

Wait, you studied engineering? What kind? Civil? And you've never actually gotten a job in it. 

I have to remember that a lot of people are going to ask this question. It's not just Asian people, it's not just college-educated people. Getting a degree as practical, direct, and intense as engineering usually means you become an engineer. And when you don't: people are going to ask. Even if I worked at a Starbucks people would ask (though likely assume that was temporary...unlike the inaccurate 'temporary' assumption of ministry).

But in finishing just my second year of ministry, as I calculate my budget to the cent every month, as I pray for God to support His work on campus, as I wonder how the future will play out--I sometimes still question. Is this really a job? Is it really okay for me to be doing this right now?

I churn these thoughts even through worship, and then a familiar song comes up. I haven't sung it since high school. It makes even more sense in this moment.

All I once held dear, built my life upon
All this world reveres, and wars to own
All I once thought gain I have counted loss
Spent and worthless now, compared to this

Knowing you, Jesus
Knowing you, there is no greater thing
You're my all, you're the best
You're my joy, my righteousness
And I love you, Lord

Now my heart's desire is to know you more
To be found in you and known as yours
To possess by faith what I could not earn
All-surpassing gift of righteousness

Oh, to know the power of your risen life
And to know You in Your sufferings
To become like you in your death, my Lord
So with you to live and never die

Being in full-time ministry is not all full of suffering, nor is ministry the only way God calls his followers to suffer. But in the tense moments, in the messy moments, in the moments of sacrifice, even in the financially tiring moments--I remember this: I want to know Christ in his resurrection and life but also in his suffering. However he has called in whatever season I'm in.

My favorite two verses of an old hymn:

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light

Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art

After practicing liturgy in pieces here and there, I've developed an appreciation of hymns and prayers repeated for centuries. When I can't formulate a response, when my heart questions where God has placed me, I remember: Naught be all else to me. You are my Inheritance. You and You only, first in my heart.