Absence

I like to think I'm a little better at figuring out where my soul is these days. No longer are your small group leaders checking in on you regularly, nor is a staff supervisor always present to help you sort through the tangles (or even realize that there is one). So you have to pay attention, listen, notice, come to your own conclusion of sorts: why you keep finding everything else to do but be in scripture, why its been easy to shrug off giving in to temptation you were used to fighting, why you'd rather think it's okay than remember that Jesus fights for you. 

And you wonder: is it an absence? a neglect? After walking in the faith for awhile, you know dry seasons happen, and that there's no reason to abandon your faith because you're not sensing God at this point. But you do miss the rhythm, the joy, the peace. 

You know that even if words flow smoothly right now (two posts after months of silence--I'd rather blog than sit?), even if you come after two weeks of finding a strong, influential voice in ministry, even if you can rely on the grace and provision of earlier this summer...you find yourself kinda like where Moses was in Exodus 33: "If your presence does not come with me, don't send me." 

There's a temptation to brush it off and just wait till that sweet spiritual spot comes back again. But there's a deeper want for the relationship with the Father. That feels the distance from too much ministry and not enough being. Needing roots to be refreshed, to grow deeper. Part of you wants to rush it with the urgency of a juggling schedule and ministry kicking up again soon...part of you needs the long, tender, patient care.

I think of the plants I'm growing these days. Two houseplants and a potted basil plant. Parts of them need to die; it's just normal. Other times, they wilt and droop but will perk back to life after watering and light, even amid the yellowed leaves. Except the one houseplant for which I did a poor replant and hasn't seemed to recuperate since. If the roots got moldy and died during that point, then that's one that has failed. Got to tend to those roots. The leaves...maybe there are leaves that are done with their time. But those roots have to keep going.