18. Faithful

Four and a half months. I've been in Sacramento for four and a half months. That first week here in August was rough, so rough. I remember taking my first run my the American River that first week, just a few days after hearing the news that Darrell wasn't moving up here after all. I ran because I was desperate for my thoughts to focus instead of jumping a in a hundred directions at once, but on that path, I was also jealous for how peaceful that river looked. I remember thinking to myself and eventually writing how it looked so much more calm than I felt. After all, Darrell's plans, which were meant to intersect mine within a month and a half, had just unraveled. We both oscillated understandably between a plethora of emotions, and at some point I sent this song to him after I heard it in a church one morning, writing that I looked forward to being able to sing about God's faithfulness in this period later in life (I really didn't feel like at the moment).

Four and a half months later, we're celebrating the end of the semester on Area Day, and I'm grateful. I partly feel like I've walked out of a tunnel, yet that gives the inaccurate impression that these several months has been a musty darkness. Truthfully, at times it has felt like a deep valley, where every week I'm making up steps to take, dodging other rocks just to get through. But there has been solid truth at other points. Flipping through my journal, I read the pages I wrote during my retreat, challenging myself to believe that it's enough that God created me, that I can be with Him. "Let go of your compulsion to be indespensible," I copied down to remember, to just be with Him. A month and a half later I held onto Psalm 139, that who God has created me to be is good even as I unpacked all the feelings I had of being alone in my experience. And Jeremiah 1, that I am called and given his word despite my young age.

There are no clear answers from that rocky start in August. But there is a bit of freedom acquired that that is okay, as if one of the things we are learning is that long-term confusion is all right. And clinging to and trusting in God's faithfulness then felt blind. But through the semester he hasn't left us. He has continued to move, given freedom to tell him over and over again that I still don't freaking get...but He has also still been here.


The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes

Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name