Sacramento. Your streets confuse me. I am forced to turn left because a U-turn is not an option. Only today did I realize that the ramps on W street don't give me any options I want. I-5 North, I-5 South, 80 West--none of those actually take me to 50 East. Here I've been trying to choose between option a and b, when it turns out I need c, which is several blocks in the other direction.
Sacramento, I take so long to find parking in your downtown. I find myself driving in circles and circles along the same streets, exhaling a deep breath of relief when I finally find a spot several blocks from my actual destination.
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Lately I've been acting based on reactions and not as a choice. If I could I would do otherwise, but in some ways I feel like my options are limited, sometimes by mere situation. Yet on other topics, I have yet to recognize that the options I have are not helpful. Neither defaulting to my natural nor compensating for brokenness are the options I want to choose. Aching for option c (but father God, what is that option?)
I move from place to place without really resting. At home, I finish up to-do's and keep to myself. In ministry, I make things up as I go and feel neither grounded nor confident. In my mind, I turn over the same thoughts over and over again, mulling. More mulling. In the small places of rest I exhale and try to let my muscles relax, yet even in those places I feel far from home.
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